It's Sunday night. I'm sitting in my pyjamas feeling frumpy and blemished. I mean seriously, who still has acne breakouts at 33?
I've spent a lot of time over my life watching videos and live performances of beautiful dancers. Wishing I could be like them. But I'm not skinny, my skin is scarred and blemished, I'm not flexible, and I'm not strong enough.
I watch videos of myself and cringe at the big tummy and how little my head looks on my overweight body. I remember how I used to be thin, then fat, then thin, then fat, then thin again, then pregnant, now fat. I get more nervous about what other people will think of my body than the actual performance. I wonder what my audience and students think of me. Do they think I dance well or do they just see the rolls and excessive wobble? Because that's what I see mostly.
I'm only starting to get comfortable accept that my body is my body at any weight, and I should love it and dance with it no matter what. I will be taking a big step and not be wearing a bodysuit at TODF. I'm hoping the experience will be as liberating as my first belly dance performance when I bared my midriff to everyone for the first time (so as soon as I know when I'm dancing I'll let you know so you can come and support me). I have such a long way to go and many years of body shaming to overcome. At some stage I plan on telling my story of my "weight issues" as part of the body image series.
Today, I read this article:
What makes a belly dancer beautiful?
It's as if the author was talking to me. Telling me what I tell everyone else and see in them but can't accept for myself ... You are beautiful when you dance no matter your physical appearance.
